They say you’re the sum of the people you spend the most time with, and I think there’s some truth in that. But in recent years, I’ve realised that just being surrounded by people doesn’t mean you feel connected, supported, or truly seen.
On the surface, especially on social media, it might look like I’ve got a huge circle of friends and an active social life. And yes, I do have lots of relationships, across different parts of my life. But as I’ve grown older and taken stock of what really matters, I’ve noticed something quietly powerful: my closest circle has become much, much smaller.
Not because I’ve lost people. But because I’ve stopped trying to be all things to all people.
The Busyness Trap and the Need to Be Needed
A couple of years ago, I hit a reset point. I’d been spinning so many plates, trying to keep everyone happy, constantly available, endlessly supportive… and if I’m honest, I was probably doing that because I hadn’t yet recognised the value people saw in me. Just me. Not for what I could offer, not for what I could do, but for who I was.
It sounds simple now, but at the time, I genuinely didn’t know that was enough.
I’d stretched myself so thinly across so many friendships and roles, caught in that old familiar loop of needing to be needed. And while I was always surrounded by people, I still sometimes felt disconnected, unseen and emotionally exhausted.
That’s when I began to reassess what connection really meant to me, and what kind of relationships I wanted in my life.
Different Levels, Different Needs
Not every connection in your life will hold the same weight, and that’s okay. We relate to people in different ways, for different reasons, and at different depths. Some people we connect with in passing, some we turn to when we need a boost of energy, and others are our inner circle, the ones we’d turn to without hesitation.
What matters is recognising which relationships feel reciprocal, grounded, and true and being honest with yourself about how you really want to connect.
Social Values and the Power of Being Intentional
When I finally slowed down and gave myself space to reflect, I began asking bigger questions:
- Who energises me, and who quietly depletes me?
- Where do I feel most myself?
- What kind of connections do I actually need right now?
It wasn’t about cutting people off or judging anyone. It was about getting really clear on my values, my boundaries, and what nourishes me, emotionally, mentally, and socially.
Our needs (and the needs of people in our networks), will change over time and sometimes they won’t align and you may find yourself drifting out of the inner circles of others too. I know I have and I respect that I am not always going to fall into other peoples spheres too, and that’s ok.
Here are some of the values I now come back to when I think about who I choose to spend time with:
Authenticity: Being True to You
This one is the simplest of all, ask yourself: Do I feel like I can show up as my full self? Do they?
Reciprocity: Balance in Your Relationships
Healthy relationships are give-and-take, not just one-sided efforts. The best connections make both people feel valued. Consider:
Do I feel appreciated and supported in my friendships?
Do I always feel like I’m giving more than I get?
Do my relationships leave me feeling drained or fulfilled?
Integrity: Feeling Safe to be Your Full Self
Integrity in relationships isn’t just about honesty — it’s about alignment. Do your values match your actions? Do the people around you show up in a way that feels grounded, respectful, and real?
When you’re connected with people who live with integrity, you feel safe. Safe to speak your truth, to be vulnerable, to get it wrong sometimes and still be met with kindness. You’re not second-guessing their motives or playing mind games. You’re not performing.
A quick self-check: Can I trust them, with my time, energy, and emotions?
If you find yourself constantly wondering where you stand with someone, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, or bending your boundaries to keep the peace, it might be a sign to check in.
Growth: Do Your Relationships Challenge and Inspire You?
Do we challenge and inspire each other, or is this a connection that keeps me small? Reflect on:
Am I learning and evolving through my relationships?
Do the people around me encourage me to pursue my goals?
Do I feel inspired by the company I keep?
The best networks push us to grow, not hold us back. Whether it’s personal development, career progression, or emotional well-being, your circle should motivate and challenge you.
Boundaries: Do You Feel Respected and Heard?
Do I feel able to say no, or set limits, without guilt or fallout? When we align with people who share or respect our values, we create space for deeper, more fulfilling connections, not just more noise.
Do my relationships respect my personal space, time, and emotions?
Do I feel comfortable saying no when needed?
Am I in control of where I invest my time and energy?
It’s Not About How Many, It’s About How True
Your circle doesn’t need to be huge to be powerful. Some of the most grounded, joyful people I know keep their circles small, not out of exclusion, but out of intention. Others thrive in big groups, fuelled by the buzz of multiple interactions. There’s no right or wrong, just what’s right for you.
If you’re in a season of reassessing your connections, that’s not selfish. That’s wise.
It’s okay to redefine what friendship means to you. It’s okay to let go of relationships that no longer feel aligned. It’s okay to prioritise peace over popularity.
And it’s more than okay to choose a smaller circle that truly sees you, and makes you feel more yourself than ever because when we surround ourselves with people who share (or at least respect) our values, we:
- Feel more supported and understood (we feel seen)
- Have healthier, more reciprocal relationships
- Make better decisions aligned with our long-term goals
- Experience more personal and professional growth
Want to Explore Your Own Circle?
If you’re feeling stuck in relationships that drain rather than nourish you, it’s time to take control. Through 1:1 coaching or a group workshop programme, I can help you:
- Identify the personal and social values that truly matter to you.
- Set boundaries that protect your time and energy.
- Build a network of relationships that uplift, support, and inspire you.
Book a free call today and take the first step toward curating a network that fuels your success and well-being.
